By Danna Downing
During this reflective time of year, we need to pat ourselves on the back for having emerged more or less intact from a barrage of holidays and other celebrations. It might also be an ideal time for being intentional and optimistic with our reflections. This kind of effort usually supports greater peace of mind and genuine optimism about the years we have left.
This year I was asked to speak to the Schoolcraft Ladies Library Auxiliary. I never made it to the presentation because I needed to be with my husband for an important medical appointment. As it turned out the appointment was an amazing and appreciated success. This was all because of the quality of the care he received on a visit with his cardiology team. There are no magical answers to the aging process. However, this visit did remarkably improve the quality of his life at age 95.
Coincidentally, the theme for my presentation was centered on two important questions I had been pondering. Is it ever too late to do something? Is it ever too soon to do something? In preparation for the talk in Schoolcraft, I actually made two long lists, one for each of those questions. Surprisingly, some of the things that came to mind fit under both headings! I have picked a few to share in the event they might resonate with others and spur some innovative approaches to our lives. My “keepers” are listed below.
It’s never too late to:
- Say you are sorry.
- Do the next right thing when you feel overwhelmed and confused. It is a form of staying in the moment with a focus on first things first.
- Advocate and support others during tough times.
- Learn new digital skills.
- Improve your memory skills.
- Throw another “crazy” idea into your FUTURE box.
It’s never too soon to:
- Practice gratitude. It can be challenging as we age. However, wisdom comes with age as well.
- Improve your physical and mental health.
- Put your affairs in order.
I had the pleasure of discussing my presentation with Betty Drobney, who scheduled my appearance. She wondered aloud about the benefits of writing your own obituary and that led to me doing a little research. To be clear, ”This is not intended to be a morbid exercise, nor does it concern some secondhand desire for adulation” states Judy Carter, the author of The Message of You, which was written for public speakers to help to prepare meaningful presentations.
Carter recommends that we write two eulogies: one from the point of view of a co-worker and one from the perspective of a family member. Naming it “thinking on paper,” take about 3 minutes for each question. It does not have to be perfect writing; just enough to flesh out our thoughts so we can later write a more complete answer.
- What difference will they say you make in their lives?
- What skills will they say they learned from you?
- What stories might they tell about you?
- What will they say is the meaning of those stories?
- What will they want people to know about you?
You may want to answer these questions with what you hope people will say about you. Writing the answers from a third-party perspective will help you be more objective and not too self-critical. If there is a significant difference between what an observer sees in you and what you want, you will naturally feel unsettled. But you will also have an emotional experience to help you explore what shifts you want to make in the future. Although there has not been extensive research about this technique, there is recognition of its value for “emerging adults” to gain insight on their ability to master self-authorship in their lives. This most definitely includes older adults. The exercise begins with emotional discomfort followed by a transformative shift in the direction of a greater sense of acceptance, appreciation and even awe toward the possibilities of living the life we envision. (Andrew Bland, American Psychological Association, 2020).
Happy New Year to all!
