We have received many greeting cards joking about the difficulty of communicating with others, especially as we grow older. For those of us who are older, we all can cite personal experiences that fully substantiate this generalization about communication between older people and anyone with whom we try to communicate. No matter what age, we require tools to communicate, such as taking notes, marking things on the calendar, and other reminders.
For this column, “Agency or Acceptance”, I would like to share a personal experience that illustrates another tool seniors might consider using as they age. This tool is more of a philosophy or approach for dealing with frustrations we face.
Picture this situation: A perfectly nice older couple is communicating about calendar coordination for several days, discussing the plan for next Thursday. Along comes Thursday and they realize that they were talking about two different Thursdays. Of course, this becomes apparent only after special arrangements were made by each individual to accommodate each other on the Thursday they thought they were discussing. Fortunately, this miscommunication was only a surprise, not a disaster.
But the situation got me thinking about my immediate response to the situation and how easy it was to think this might be another aging danger signal. My husband told me, “Don’t dwell on it.” I tried to take his advice. However, during my dog walk that morning, I found myself reflecting upon the importance of using skills of agency and skills of acceptance to put the morning’s experience into perspective.
If you look up the word agency in the dictionary, you will find that it can be used to talk about what you owe to yourself and others. Agency is required of each of us to enhance our self-awareness and to orient our lives around what we might call our true calling, or our heart’s desire. It means we strive to ask ourselves important questions such as “Who am I responsible to?” and “What brings me what I most want in my life?” It requires commitment and action. The word acceptance, however, is used to help us accept whatever we have no control over. Both of these responses can improve our relationships. The question is when to use agency and when to use acceptance, or both.
So, for the case in point on that Thursday, I implemented agency to rein in my brain and look at the mishap more rationally. Thank you, husband. And I used self-talk about acceptance, to allow myself some slack and remind myself that we are only human. These things happen to everyone sometimes. I further took agency in having conversations with my loved ones about how to best communicate in the digital age and our busy lives. I am more determined than ever to do my best to improve my communication with everyone. I know that will contribute to happy and healthy relationships.
