By Danna Downing
There are some upsides to striving for perfection. Aiming high can stimulate growth and learning and can help us avoid disaster. However, trying to do everything perfectly can also be a terrible burden and a personal tyrant that rules our lives. In our disturbingly competitive world, we are too often measured by strict standards of performance which can make us uneasy and unhealthy. We learn to fear the unplanned and the unexpected. We are afraid to admit to our weaknesses and our mistakes. We miss the rich knowledge of what it is to be human and connected to others in meaningful ways. We forget that it is in our faults and failings that we touch each other and find sympathy and support.
Kristen Neff, Ph.D., is the author of “Self Compassion: The Power of Being Kind to Yourself.” She suggests that those of us who are continually judging and criticizing ourselves are creating artificial boundaries that lead to feelings of loneliness and isolation. Neff shows us how lack of self-compassion is at the root of this self-defeating behavior. She assures us that newer, kinder approaches to life can be learned with these words: “By tapping into our own wellspring of kindness and acknowledging shared suffering of our imperfect condition, we can start to feel more secure, accepted and alive.” Other mental health professionals confirm that Neff’s book is “based on state-of-the-art research,” and predict that her book “will become essential reading for anyone who is seeking inner peace and true lasting happiness.”
Neff emphasizes that whatever inadequacies we identify in ourselves are connected to many things we did not choose. Our genes, family history, and our life circumstances are largely out of our control. Many parents have learned to parent with the blame and criticism they learned from their parents. If our parents blamed us for our mistakes, we may have learned to feel personally responsible for all our failures. Neff reminds us that life just does not work that way. Life is just too complicated for us to be able to control external events or our internal responses to these events at any age, no matter who we are. We may also learn that the trick is to blame others so we can protect our own dignity. We are all learning as we go until the day we die.
We need to discover compassion for ourselves and others to find peace and happiness. Just as fight or flight is built into our DNA, so too is the urge to tend and befriend others. They are both survival skills that are already deep within us, just waiting for us to find them and develop a new way of being. When we cultivate warm and tender feelings toward ourselves, we actually physically alter our body and our minds. It is then that we can let go of insecurity and pursue our dreams.
Neff skillfully provides sets of personal exercises to help us learn about the three core components of self-compassion: Being Kind to Ourselves; Knowing We Are All in This Together; and Being Mindful of What Is (versus what we wish it would be.) She goes on to discuss the amazing benefits of self-compassion, how to apply them to relations with others, and the joy of self-appreciation in place of affirmation external to ourselves. The book includes helpful notes and an index. It is not a quick read, but truly is an essential tool for living, one you might come to appreciate. I found my copy at Gilbert & Ivy here in Vicksburg.